They weren’t too happy about having to give blood though.” - Les Dawson 86. When I was at school the other children used to make me play Russian roulette but force-feeding me a packet of Revels.” - Milton Jones 89. The phone rang and a woman’s voice said, ‘What the hell are you doing with your life?
“My grandfather started walking five miles a day when he was sixty. “Waiter there’s a dead beetle in my soup.” “Yes sir, they’re not very good swimmers. “My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.” - Emo Philips (read 10 Emo Philips one-liners here) 69. Two lions are walking down the aisle of a supermarket. And for those who like country music, denigrate means ‘put down.’” - Bob Newhart 78. When I’d go to confession, I’d say, Bless me, Father for I have sinned and you know my lawyer, Mr Cohen.” - Bill Maher 67. “I call my lawyer and say, ‘Can I ask you two questions? “Say what you want about the deaf…” - Jimmy Carr 75. She said, ‘Oh, I guess I’ll have Champagne.’ I said, ‘Guess again.’” - Slappy White 76. “I don’t like country music, but I don’t mean to denigrate those who do. I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on. A friend said to me: “I can never do the Welsh accent properly. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
“I tell you what makes my blood boil – crematoriums. Doctor, doctor, I can’t stop singing “The Green Green Grass of Home” That’s what we doctors call Tom Jones’ Syndrome. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? Even if they don’t feel like laughing, they nod their heads to show they’ve understood.” - Bob Hope 59. Always the bridesmaid never the bride, that’s male predators for you. If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence you tried.